Transformation Toolbox Episode Three: Relationships

Having positive relationships and connections is one of the five pillars of well-being. A positive relationship can be shared between any two people who support, encourage, and help each other. Positive relationships can be useful, inspiring, and informative. Healthy communication is key, and the relationship is reciprocal.

The support from positive, healthy relationships helps us weather the stress and trauma of adversity, makes us feel valued, and gives us opportunities to be seen, heard, and understood. There is solid scientific evidence that having positive relationships leads to better physical and mental health, better health habits, stress reduction, faster healing, a better sense of purpose, and reduced mortality risk.

Humans are wired for connection, so there are many ways to build and maintain positive relationships. They do take time and effort, but the rewards are immense.

1) Overcome your fear of rejection, and assume people want to form connections: Many of us deal with fears about being rejected. You can’t allow that fear to hold you back. Because most people also want connection, the reward is greater than the risk. If you want to form relationships, plan on being rejected some of the time, but most of the time, you will be rewarded with the new relationships you have made. Plus, the more you take initiative to form relationships, the better you get at it.

2) Know things about the other person: Lead with curiosity, ask questions, and have no expectations. Ask about factual information, likes and dislikes, important people and events, hopes and dreams, values and beliefs. Listen first, then share.

3) Spread positivity and let them know they are valued: Be kind, show interest, and demonstrate admiration, fondness, or affection. Make it a point to say nice things and make an effort to engage in small acts of kindness and acknowledgement that make others feel important.

4) Solve your solvable problems. Solvable issues are situational. They are less intense than deep-seated, perpetual problems, but they can get emotionally loaded quickly. So, when they crop up, deal with them. Calm down, use your “I” statements, figure out the trigger, and own your feelings. Learn how to communicate feelings, forgive, and apologize when you need to, so you can repair the relationship.

5) Accept differences: Understand the underlying reasons for differences of opinion and let others influence you. There will be times when you “click” with another person because you have so much in common with them, and that can be fun, but that is not the point of relationships, which are usually complex. You can have positive relationships with people who are very different from you, and you can learn from them.

6) Create shared stories and meaning: Relationships have a culture with rituals, symbols, and an appreciation for your roles and goals that link you to your family and your tribe. This ranges from how you celebrate birthdays to the looks you give that signal when it’s time to leave a party. That’s what it means to develop shared meaning. The point is to do things together, celebrate milestones, take trips, talk on the phone, have game nights, etc. It is these rituals that bind us together.

7) Value the other’s growth as you do your own: Each person should care deeply about the growth (personal, professional, etc.) of the other. Be supportive of them and their decisions, even if you don’t agree with them. Let go of any fear of them outgrowing you or moving on. You should want the best for those with whom you have relationships.

8) Use tech for connection: Tech is what you make of it. You can use it to connect with friends and family who live all over the world. You can share things like pictures and thoughtful posts, within the bounds of what feels safe and appropriate. You can find and join online communities that connect you to others with shared interests and life experiences, and use those connections as valuable resources. FaceTime, Zoom, social media, and all the ways we can now connect help us strengthen both close ties and ties to larger communities.